.. and so scattered.
as exciting as this time in my life is.. and the anticipation of what's to come..
i want to be in my void. in my internal cave where no one can touch me.
lately.. its been every one and every thing all at once..[such is life!] and i'm keeping up.. but i don't feel that i am giving the best and whole of me because my energy is so scattered and thinned out between a multitude of things and people... and at the end of the day.. i have nothing left for myself.
so i lay restless... exhausted.... staring in the dark.... at the gates of slumber... and unable to cross until my soul decides its gotten her share of the day... here comes the sun.
it's like this internal war of wanting to do everything and nothing at the same time.. and i'm not one to pass up an opportunity.. but i really must look at the quality of myself i am willing to put forth... i want to be able to focus all my attention and energy on [you] in our moment untouched by the hands of time.
this girl needs to slow dowwwwn.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
a lil horoscope scrutiny....
so.. i was just trying to assess the relationships i have with my friends in relation to their horoscope signs.. and its interesting to see the similarities in the bond and connection i've made with these inidividuals:
Sagittarians | robust and passionate... the ones i feel i have the most raw and open relationship with.. ones that i can divulge anything to.. i have the greatest laughs with.
Librans | i tend to feel soul connections with these folks... deep conversations... of love, life.. the world.. .. we allow the conversation to lead us into wandering the depths of our minds and souls.... showing us ourselves. the most abundant in my life.
Capricorns | we are a fickle bunch.. we generally don’t hang out.. yet when face to face...there spawns illuminating conversation. yet we are not an easy bunch to break into... we are comfortable in our respective spaces. Rarely do we spend quality time together.. but when we do.. its full of substance.
Virgos | ah yes.. my creative sparks and lovers of life. fun loving and whimsical... we always have a blast... and stimulating, honest conversations. yet.. they have an inability to deal with conflict in a communicative manner.
Geminis |.. i can most relate to these folks... shy and awkward at times.. we share similar roles in life.. with mutual respect for one another...and although we don't spend time consistently.. we are aware of each other and a collective understanding develops.. and when we catch each other at different points in our lives.. we tend to find that we are in the same place.
Sagittarians | robust and passionate... the ones i feel i have the most raw and open relationship with.. ones that i can divulge anything to.. i have the greatest laughs with.
Librans | i tend to feel soul connections with these folks... deep conversations... of love, life.. the world.. .. we allow the conversation to lead us into wandering the depths of our minds and souls.... showing us ourselves. the most abundant in my life.
Capricorns | we are a fickle bunch.. we generally don’t hang out.. yet when face to face...there spawns illuminating conversation. yet we are not an easy bunch to break into... we are comfortable in our respective spaces. Rarely do we spend quality time together.. but when we do.. its full of substance.
Virgos | ah yes.. my creative sparks and lovers of life. fun loving and whimsical... we always have a blast... and stimulating, honest conversations. yet.. they have an inability to deal with conflict in a communicative manner.
Geminis |.. i can most relate to these folks... shy and awkward at times.. we share similar roles in life.. with mutual respect for one another...and although we don't spend time consistently.. we are aware of each other and a collective understanding develops.. and when we catch each other at different points in our lives.. we tend to find that we are in the same place.
just sayin'
..if i could take a snapshot of my life as it is today.. i would say it's pretty darn perfect.
needing nothing more..
wanting nothing less.
just perfectly imperfect. balanced. solid.
yet.. i know change is on the horizon... as it always is..
bittersweet disruption.. time will reveal.
your happiness is my light. paths cross..and untangle... and we are reborn.
so i savor this moment and every moment .... and this very thought.... this feeling of pure, honest bliss... that all is enough (for now)... yeah. :]
i love you. i thank you. i cherish you.
needing nothing more..
wanting nothing less.
just perfectly imperfect. balanced. solid.
yet.. i know change is on the horizon... as it always is..
bittersweet disruption.. time will reveal.
your happiness is my light. paths cross..and untangle... and we are reborn.
so i savor this moment and every moment .... and this very thought.... this feeling of pure, honest bliss... that all is enough (for now)... yeah. :]
i love you. i thank you. i cherish you.
Monday, January 10, 2011
i'm realizing...
i have a lot of garbage... that still needs to be sorted through and discarded.
sometimes.. i'll just blurt out something.. a revelation about myself that i hadn't realized until that moment it escaped my lips and was heard for the first time.
as far as i've seen myself come.. there are still plenty of wounds still needing attention.
as healthy.. and wonderful i'd like to remember my last relationship.. it was also very neglecting.
but i didn't know better at the time.
..and i left that relationship.. without any concept of my own self worth...
i've always figured... that i'd be the one that gave more.. that it was always a skewed scale..
perhaps it is.. but it should be for the most part.. and balanced askewity.
and i am not blaming my ex. i have equal responsibilty. we are all victims of this world and of ourselves.. one of the hardest realizations.. is knowing that you have (had) the choice.. the concious decision to make the best or worst of any situation. people.. situation.. options.. opportunities.. will tug at your strings.. but its within your own power to take those steps.
sometimes.. i'll just blurt out something.. a revelation about myself that i hadn't realized until that moment it escaped my lips and was heard for the first time.
as far as i've seen myself come.. there are still plenty of wounds still needing attention.
as healthy.. and wonderful i'd like to remember my last relationship.. it was also very neglecting.
but i didn't know better at the time.
..and i left that relationship.. without any concept of my own self worth...
i've always figured... that i'd be the one that gave more.. that it was always a skewed scale..
perhaps it is.. but it should be for the most part.. and balanced askewity.
and i am not blaming my ex. i have equal responsibilty. we are all victims of this world and of ourselves.. one of the hardest realizations.. is knowing that you have (had) the choice.. the concious decision to make the best or worst of any situation. people.. situation.. options.. opportunities.. will tug at your strings.. but its within your own power to take those steps.
integrity
is severely lacking in individuals these days. if anything.. i feel that the progress of our generations are drifting further and further away from maintaining a solid.. dependable sense of tasteful self character. just an observation.
it makes me realize how lucky i truly am to have such an amazing group of unique and loving friends that i do. they truly are rarities in this world.. and thank the stars every day that i've stumbled upon this treasure.
i think i should indulge in a sociology class... i am so interested in the trends of human beings.. and in understanding the evolution of the human race.
it makes me realize how lucky i truly am to have such an amazing group of unique and loving friends that i do. they truly are rarities in this world.. and thank the stars every day that i've stumbled upon this treasure.
i think i should indulge in a sociology class... i am so interested in the trends of human beings.. and in understanding the evolution of the human race.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
what ever happened..
to effort. to acts of kindness or rather, consideration.
to.. the little things in life that have been lost sight of.
for instance... handwritten letters. birthday cards. holiday cards. an expression of self unto another.. just because.
were these always rare practices? or is it my generation? or are we just too tight on time? tight on money?
then.. there's always the convenience of the virtual world at your fingertips.
or all of the above.
cause really.. an e-card is just not the same. but it's the thought that counts, right?
the funny thing is.. i don't think people appreciate these practices any less than before.. if anything, the rarity of these occurrences has heightened their appreciation. I mean.. who isn't absolutely stoked when they do receive something without expectation. its the best gift in the world.
so why don't people do it more? think of others.. take the time and the effort to really express love in a tactile form. something than can be held.. touched.. kept.
writing.. may be a lost art one of these days.. at the rate we're going. maybe its just the artist in me talking.. does anyone really care about any of this as much as i do?
to.. the little things in life that have been lost sight of.
for instance... handwritten letters. birthday cards. holiday cards. an expression of self unto another.. just because.
were these always rare practices? or is it my generation? or are we just too tight on time? tight on money?
then.. there's always the convenience of the virtual world at your fingertips.
or all of the above.
cause really.. an e-card is just not the same. but it's the thought that counts, right?
the funny thing is.. i don't think people appreciate these practices any less than before.. if anything, the rarity of these occurrences has heightened their appreciation. I mean.. who isn't absolutely stoked when they do receive something without expectation. its the best gift in the world.
so why don't people do it more? think of others.. take the time and the effort to really express love in a tactile form. something than can be held.. touched.. kept.
writing.. may be a lost art one of these days.. at the rate we're going. maybe its just the artist in me talking.. does anyone really care about any of this as much as i do?
Sunday, January 2, 2011
highlights of 2010
1. blooming friendship with shawn and cynthia
2. growth within existing friendships
3. dinner night with my girls
4. trip to seattle
5. embracing individualism and solitude and finding my happiness within
6. my first art show: visionary feminists.
7. remember
8. the joy of cooking
9. feeling comfortable in my own skin
10. roadtrip to grand canyon
11. game nights
12. the abundance of beautiful people who have entered and remain in my life.
13. orange county roadtrip
14. the joy of spontaneity
15. feeling the most loved i have ever been in my life.
16. san francisco pride
17. thanksgiving in fresno
18. realizing my love for dancing.
19. being single
2. growth within existing friendships
3. dinner night with my girls
4. trip to seattle
5. embracing individualism and solitude and finding my happiness within
6. my first art show: visionary feminists.
7. remember
8. the joy of cooking
9. feeling comfortable in my own skin
10. roadtrip to grand canyon
11. game nights
12. the abundance of beautiful people who have entered and remain in my life.
13. orange county roadtrip
14. the joy of spontaneity
15. feeling the most loved i have ever been in my life.
16. san francisco pride
17. thanksgiving in fresno
18. realizing my love for dancing.
19. being single
Saturday, January 1, 2011
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