what's in store

for me?

been very contemplative lately..
mostly on the notion of love.
will i ever be in love.. of the romantic kind again?

sometimes i think i've lost the ability to feel as such..  not lost.. more like suppressed.
'cause i'm so used to resorting to that. cause the moment i find myself attracted to another.. i have to stop it there.. cause the next thing i find out, is that she's taken.

by nature.. i'm not attracted to most people. and the rare few that have intrigued me.. are unavailable.
for the fact that they are in a relationship or straight. i have yet to meet an available woman i am attracted to.
rejection is rejection. but i've only experienced indirect rejection (based on the fact of unavailability)..

i would really like to know how other women view me. i have other lesbian friends who are continuously dating. granted, they are more in the "scene" than i.  in the past year and a half.. i've dated one woman. however, realistically she is also the only person i've met that I was attracted to. and we dated.. not for long.. essentially, i got what i wanted.

there is however.. another that i just can't get out of my mind. and she... is one that i will never have. maybe its all in my head.. but.. there was something electric there.. when our eyes met..  she had me. and i gave her my number..  and she has a girlfriend. she never said "no thanks" or "i'm not interested".. cause she didn't have to. she has a girlfriend. so.. i will never know if she was at all attracted to me.. if even a smidge. would it have made a difference? mmm.. yea.. i would have liked to know.

honestly though..  i'd like to know other lesbians' interpretation of me.

am i assumed to be straight? am i not desirable? am i not attractive to other lesbians? do i seem high-maintenance?  according to my sisters' guy friends.. i'm a catch. as flattering as that is.. i don't get the same reaction from women... which is where it counts. but i'll take any compliment i can get :)

what is it.. i'd like to know.

..and is it really true.. that women always know when you've got a crush on them? i'm not going to lie.. i've been attracted to a couple of my friends. and i get questioning vibes from some of them in return... so i wonder.. if all my friends.. were single or had a chance to be honest.. how many of them would i be right about.

ohh.. if the possibility were there..   if all was fair in love..

i have never

known a love like this..
and its everything i could ever ask for.. and more

 it's so beautiful, it brings me tears of gratitude..
...and scares the shit out of me at the same time.

being single..

is having a relationship with yourself.

nurturing yourself.
loving yourself.
showing yourself through respect and appreciation...
that you are worthy of happiness.

how can you expect any of it.. more (or less) from someone else.. if you don't know how to give it to yourself.
you are the only one who fulfills your wholesomeness.
you are the first step.

alonedom is something to be embraced.
..and once you have..
that embrace will open to encompass the perfect lover(s).

just thinking..

..when you so intimately dream of someone.. where your senses are fired up with lingering tizzle of their melting gaze... their touch... their taste....  do you wonder if they felt it too?

[pause]

..i want all of this..
and i want [me] as well.

trying to find the balance.

[O_o]

realize.

... all that you aspire to is [within] your grasp.
[you] are your only obstacle.
[you] are your only champion.


... everything else is just an excuse.

think about it.

[be]

creative rebellion pulsing forth
heart.beats.fire.
idle south soaring north.
i want to be.
i need to be
just [be]..for me.
go go go.
here i go..
pouring..
coursing..let [if] flow.
free.

...on the rare occasions

that i am attracted to another human being..  she is unavailable or interested. under the fact that they already have a significant other, or not interested in women. i have yet to be attracted to another single, available woman.. attracted to women.

the feeliings are there. they exist. its just i haven' t had the opportunity to allow them to bloom to their fullest potential. so.. i think i've gotten used to just not letting my emotions go there. there is a definite plateau.. that i haven't been able to plunge over...

the reality of it is.. yes.. there are people i am/i've been attracted to that are a regular presence in my life. i do not find it difficult.. yet it doesn't mean i don't think about them. i've just.. adapted to what the situation is.

..i sometimes feel.. that i don't know how to be in love any more..  that i just know how to be love. give love.
 its all anyone wants from me.

..not sure why

but i don't want anyone to know  me.
.. have yet to meet a person who wanted to figure me out.


..and those that thought they knew me.. only knew me as they wanted to see me.