i want

to understand why my intent is so strong.
and unwaivering.

why... its because its my heart that is inflamed.. and that which i have no control of.

today was the obvious rejection i've been waiting for.
sitting here sunken and depressed..
trying to figure out what i am to learn of this. why has the universe brought me here.

its hard for me.. especially coming from an ideology... where i believe your will, persistence and passion are the defining factors of obtaining your goals. this is true.
but not when it comes to the matters of the heart.. and the heart of another human being.

i have never met such resistance... which in turn only drives my persistence. most people are receptive to me. i am a pleasant person. but not to her. is it me? or is it her? or the dynamic of her and me?
regardless....i must respect her wishes.

i've never felt so defeated. so.. unwanted.. so.. hopeless.
so alone.

all because the one in which i adore.. will not spare on me a second more.

[she]

is on my mind again..
its been about 6 months... since we shared our first glance. if she didn't look at me with those eyes.. would i still be smitten with her?

other than that split second.. she's given me nothing to allude to the fact that she has any interest as me as person...   i don't even know if that split second even exists...  but i know it did for me.

what's in store

for me?

been very contemplative lately..
mostly on the notion of love.
will i ever be in love.. of the romantic kind again?

sometimes i think i've lost the ability to feel as such..  not lost.. more like suppressed.
'cause i'm so used to resorting to that. cause the moment i find myself attracted to another.. i have to stop it there.. cause the next thing i find out, is that she's taken.

by nature.. i'm not attracted to most people. and the rare few that have intrigued me.. are unavailable.
for the fact that they are in a relationship or straight. i have yet to meet an available woman i am attracted to.
rejection is rejection. but i've only experienced indirect rejection (based on the fact of unavailability)..

i would really like to know how other women view me. i have other lesbian friends who are continuously dating. granted, they are more in the "scene" than i.  in the past year and a half.. i've dated one woman. however, realistically she is also the only person i've met that I was attracted to. and we dated.. not for long.. essentially, i got what i wanted.

there is however.. another that i just can't get out of my mind. and she... is one that i will never have. maybe its all in my head.. but.. there was something electric there.. when our eyes met..  she had me. and i gave her my number..  and she has a girlfriend. she never said "no thanks" or "i'm not interested".. cause she didn't have to. she has a girlfriend. so.. i will never know if she was at all attracted to me.. if even a smidge. would it have made a difference? mmm.. yea.. i would have liked to know.

honestly though..  i'd like to know other lesbians' interpretation of me.

am i assumed to be straight? am i not desirable? am i not attractive to other lesbians? do i seem high-maintenance?  according to my sisters' guy friends.. i'm a catch. as flattering as that is.. i don't get the same reaction from women... which is where it counts. but i'll take any compliment i can get :)

what is it.. i'd like to know.

..and is it really true.. that women always know when you've got a crush on them? i'm not going to lie.. i've been attracted to a couple of my friends. and i get questioning vibes from some of them in return... so i wonder.. if all my friends.. were single or had a chance to be honest.. how many of them would i be right about.

ohh.. if the possibility were there..   if all was fair in love..

i have never

known a love like this..
and its everything i could ever ask for.. and more

 it's so beautiful, it brings me tears of gratitude..
...and scares the shit out of me at the same time.

being single..

is having a relationship with yourself.

nurturing yourself.
loving yourself.
showing yourself through respect and appreciation...
that you are worthy of happiness.

how can you expect any of it.. more (or less) from someone else.. if you don't know how to give it to yourself.
you are the only one who fulfills your wholesomeness.
you are the first step.

alonedom is something to be embraced.
..and once you have..
that embrace will open to encompass the perfect lover(s).

just thinking..

..when you so intimately dream of someone.. where your senses are fired up with lingering tizzle of their melting gaze... their touch... their taste....  do you wonder if they felt it too?

[pause]

..i want all of this..
and i want [me] as well.

trying to find the balance.

[O_o]