who AM i?

taking chances...
opting to be in situations i would normally be terrified to find myself in...
now all seem thrilling...
and compels me forward... higher
towards an unknown evolution.

fuck inhibitions.

all the wonders,
life's simple pleasures..
that i've sheltered myself from
are within my grasp...
and for the first time
i am reaching.
i am realizing the necessity..
the necessity of [you]
[your] mere presence... that fills the cracks
of my heart.. of my being.
and crumbles the armor that surrounds me.

i AM free.

driving just before sunrise

... all i can think
and feel is
you.

your absence stems this emptiness
and immediately
i miss you

it's an engraved ritual.
as are my morning texts telling you so.

... with the crows cawing,
... sweet birds yawning and
the faint echo of humming engines

feels like home. almost.
only you are missing.

4.25.2008 06:00:30 text msg

I

believe.
to persist in this notion
to be awed
in spite of the disappointment.

i dare continue to believe in the best of human kind
when time and time again
my expectations fail me.

i will not compromise.
i will not allow myself to be compromised.
only to be enlightened.

holding out for those.. to prove me right.
holding it together
for when its just one
left.
myself.

at a glance

..as i stand here in the bull pen.. the more i am convinced i will be alone. FOREVER.
and i'm ok with that.

the next steps...

when a relationship undecidedly terminates, you are left to wonder 

"what did i do wrong?"

for some it may be liberating..  a sigh of relief... 

for others... we have to heal through the scars before we really feel... invincible.

thrown into a pool of introspection, analyzation.... and self criticism.

your integrity chips away...

begins to crumble.. . 

from the affliction it has endured thus far.

where... how do you begin to pick up the pieces?

i stare at the mirror.. and see all the things about myself i don't like.. what i wish i could change, but cannot physically fix. 

this is how i am built.

this is who i am.

this is what i look like.

... who doesn't have insecurities?
healing... it begins with the mind...  in realizing that there are things in life, of ourselves that we cannot change, beyond our control, yet we can choose how it will affect us.

to accept ourselves.

to love myself... and to be grateful for what i've been endowed. 

and to know.. i am worth it. i am worthy of you.

to accept myself. that is the answer... and a lifelong journey.

i believe some of our greatest challenges in life.. lies within our own minds. just when  you think you've got a handle on it... you realize its just not that easy.

loving yourself and your imperfections is not a reflection of narcissism. 

its a crucial step in obtaining true happiness.and in sharing it.

and whatever steps i need to take to get there... i should not be embarrassed or overly mindful of others in doing so.

i am a work in a progress.

life is a work in progress.

:: we are made to persist  ::

in the morning...

still laying in bed...not sure why i am sharing this photo.. its nothing special.. i don't particularly like it..
just me. in the morning.
i guess in doing so, its a step in liking me.
and i love my window.

almost lover.

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

...Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?
~A Fine Frenzy