i want

to understand why my intent is so strong.
and unwaivering.

why... its because its my heart that is inflamed.. and that which i have no control of.

today was the obvious rejection i've been waiting for.
sitting here sunken and depressed..
trying to figure out what i am to learn of this. why has the universe brought me here.

its hard for me.. especially coming from an ideology... where i believe your will, persistence and passion are the defining factors of obtaining your goals. this is true.
but not when it comes to the matters of the heart.. and the heart of another human being.

i have never met such resistance... which in turn only drives my persistence. most people are receptive to me. i am a pleasant person. but not to her. is it me? or is it her? or the dynamic of her and me?
regardless....i must respect her wishes.

i've never felt so defeated. so.. unwanted.. so.. hopeless.
so alone.

all because the one in which i adore.. will not spare on me a second more.

[she]

is on my mind again..
its been about 6 months... since we shared our first glance. if she didn't look at me with those eyes.. would i still be smitten with her?

other than that split second.. she's given me nothing to allude to the fact that she has any interest as me as person...   i don't even know if that split second even exists...  but i know it did for me.

what's in store

for me?

been very contemplative lately..
mostly on the notion of love.
will i ever be in love.. of the romantic kind again?

sometimes i think i've lost the ability to feel as such..  not lost.. more like suppressed.
'cause i'm so used to resorting to that. cause the moment i find myself attracted to another.. i have to stop it there.. cause the next thing i find out, is that she's taken.

by nature.. i'm not attracted to most people. and the rare few that have intrigued me.. are unavailable.
for the fact that they are in a relationship or straight. i have yet to meet an available woman i am attracted to.
rejection is rejection. but i've only experienced indirect rejection (based on the fact of unavailability)..

i would really like to know how other women view me. i have other lesbian friends who are continuously dating. granted, they are more in the "scene" than i.  in the past year and a half.. i've dated one woman. however, realistically she is also the only person i've met that I was attracted to. and we dated.. not for long.. essentially, i got what i wanted.

there is however.. another that i just can't get out of my mind. and she... is one that i will never have. maybe its all in my head.. but.. there was something electric there.. when our eyes met..  she had me. and i gave her my number..  and she has a girlfriend. she never said "no thanks" or "i'm not interested".. cause she didn't have to. she has a girlfriend. so.. i will never know if she was at all attracted to me.. if even a smidge. would it have made a difference? mmm.. yea.. i would have liked to know.

honestly though..  i'd like to know other lesbians' interpretation of me.

am i assumed to be straight? am i not desirable? am i not attractive to other lesbians? do i seem high-maintenance?  according to my sisters' guy friends.. i'm a catch. as flattering as that is.. i don't get the same reaction from women... which is where it counts. but i'll take any compliment i can get :)

what is it.. i'd like to know.

..and is it really true.. that women always know when you've got a crush on them? i'm not going to lie.. i've been attracted to a couple of my friends. and i get questioning vibes from some of them in return... so i wonder.. if all my friends.. were single or had a chance to be honest.. how many of them would i be right about.

ohh.. if the possibility were there..   if all was fair in love..

i have never

known a love like this..
and its everything i could ever ask for.. and more

 it's so beautiful, it brings me tears of gratitude..
...and scares the shit out of me at the same time.

being single..

is having a relationship with yourself.

nurturing yourself.
loving yourself.
showing yourself through respect and appreciation...
that you are worthy of happiness.

how can you expect any of it.. more (or less) from someone else.. if you don't know how to give it to yourself.
you are the only one who fulfills your wholesomeness.
you are the first step.

alonedom is something to be embraced.
..and once you have..
that embrace will open to encompass the perfect lover(s).

just thinking..

..when you so intimately dream of someone.. where your senses are fired up with lingering tizzle of their melting gaze... their touch... their taste....  do you wonder if they felt it too?

[pause]

..i want all of this..
and i want [me] as well.

trying to find the balance.

[O_o]

realize.

... all that you aspire to is [within] your grasp.
[you] are your only obstacle.
[you] are your only champion.


... everything else is just an excuse.

think about it.

[be]

creative rebellion pulsing forth
heart.beats.fire.
idle south soaring north.
i want to be.
i need to be
just [be]..for me.
go go go.
here i go..
pouring..
coursing..let [if] flow.
free.

...on the rare occasions

that i am attracted to another human being..  she is unavailable or interested. under the fact that they already have a significant other, or not interested in women. i have yet to be attracted to another single, available woman.. attracted to women.

the feeliings are there. they exist. its just i haven' t had the opportunity to allow them to bloom to their fullest potential. so.. i think i've gotten used to just not letting my emotions go there. there is a definite plateau.. that i haven't been able to plunge over...

the reality of it is.. yes.. there are people i am/i've been attracted to that are a regular presence in my life. i do not find it difficult.. yet it doesn't mean i don't think about them. i've just.. adapted to what the situation is.

..i sometimes feel.. that i don't know how to be in love any more..  that i just know how to be love. give love.
 its all anyone wants from me.

..not sure why

but i don't want anyone to know  me.
.. have yet to meet a person who wanted to figure me out.


..and those that thought they knew me.. only knew me as they wanted to see me.

busy busy busy

.. and so scattered.
as exciting as this time in my life is.. and the anticipation of what's to come..
i want to be in my void. in my internal cave where no one can touch me.
lately.. its been every one and every thing all at once..[such is life!] and i'm keeping up.. but i don't feel that i am giving the best and whole of me because my energy is so scattered and thinned out between a multitude of things and people... and at the end of the day.. i have nothing left for myself.

so i lay restless... exhausted.... staring in the dark.... at the gates of slumber... and unable to cross until my  soul decides its gotten her share of the day... here comes the sun.

it's like this internal war of wanting to do everything and nothing at the same time.. and i'm not one to pass up an opportunity.. but i really must look at the quality of myself i am willing to put forth... i want to be able to focus all my attention and energy on [you] in our moment untouched by the hands of time.

this girl needs to slow dowwwwn.

a lil horoscope scrutiny....

so.. i was just trying to assess the relationships i have with my friends in relation to their horoscope signs.. and its interesting to see the similarities in the bond and connection i've made with these inidividuals:

Sagittarians | robust and passionate... the ones i feel i have the most raw and open relationship with.. ones that i can divulge anything to.. i have the greatest laughs with.

Librans | i tend to feel soul connections with these folks... deep conversations... of love, life.. the world.. .. we allow the conversation to lead us into wandering the depths of our minds and souls.... showing us ourselves. the most abundant in my life.

Capricorns | we are a fickle bunch.. we generally don’t hang out.. yet when face to face...there spawns  illuminating conversation. yet we are not an easy bunch to break into... we are comfortable in our respective spaces. Rarely do we spend quality time together.. but when we do.. its full of substance.

Virgos | ah yes.. my creative sparks and lovers of life. fun loving and whimsical... we always have a blast... and stimulating, honest conversations. yet.. they have an inability to deal with conflict in a communicative manner.

Geminis |.. i can most relate to these folks... shy and awkward at times.. we share similar roles in life..  with mutual respect for one another...and although we don't spend time consistently.. we are aware of each other and a collective understanding develops.. and when we catch each other at different points in our lives.. we tend to find that we are in the same place.

just sayin'

..if i could take a snapshot of my life as it is today..  i would say it's pretty darn perfect.
needing nothing more..
wanting nothing less.
just perfectly imperfect. balanced. solid.

yet.. i know change is on the horizon... as it always is..
bittersweet disruption.. time will reveal.

your happiness is my light. paths cross..and untangle... and we are reborn.

so i savor this moment and every moment .... and this very thought.... this feeling of pure, honest bliss... that all is enough (for now)... yeah. :]

i love you. i thank you. i cherish you.

i'm realizing...

 i have a lot of garbage... that still needs to be sorted through and discarded.
sometimes.. i'll just blurt out something.. a revelation about myself that i hadn't realized until that moment it escaped my lips and was heard for the first time.

as far as i've seen myself come.. there are still plenty of wounds still needing attention.

as healthy.. and wonderful i'd like to remember my last relationship.. it was also very neglecting.
but i didn't know better at the time.
..and i left that relationship.. without any concept of my own self worth...
i've always figured... that i'd be the one that gave more.. that it was always a skewed scale..
perhaps it is.. but it should be for the most part.. and balanced askewity.

and i am not blaming my ex. i have equal responsibilty. we are all victims of this world and of ourselves.. one of the hardest realizations.. is knowing that you have (had) the choice.. the concious decision to make the best or worst of any situation. people.. situation.. options.. opportunities.. will tug at your strings.. but its within your own power to take those steps.

integrity

is severely lacking in individuals these days. if anything.. i feel that the progress of our generations are drifting further and further away from maintaining a solid.. dependable sense of tasteful self character. just an observation.

it makes me realize how lucky i truly am to have such an amazing group of unique and loving friends that i do. they truly are rarities in this world.. and thank the stars every day that i've stumbled upon this treasure.

i think i should indulge in a sociology class... i am so interested in the trends of human beings.. and in understanding the evolution of the human race.

quote.

"i thrive in isolation, but drown in your love"
~shawn gray

what ever happened..

to effort. to acts of kindness or rather, consideration.
to.. the little things in life that have been lost sight of.

for instance... handwritten letters. birthday cards. holiday cards. an expression of self unto another.. just because.

were these always rare practices? or is it my generation? or are we just too tight on time? tight on money?
then.. there's always the convenience of the virtual world at your fingertips.
or all of the above.

cause really.. an e-card is just not the same. but it's the thought that counts, right?

the funny thing is.. i don't think people appreciate these practices any less than before.. if anything, the rarity of these occurrences has heightened their appreciation. I mean.. who isn't absolutely stoked when they do receive something without expectation. its the best gift in the world.

so why don't people do it more? think of others..  take the time and the effort to really express love in a tactile form. something than can be held.. touched.. kept.

writing.. may be a lost art one of these days.. at the rate we're going. maybe its just the artist in me talking..  does anyone really care about any of this as much as i do?

highlights of 2010

1.  blooming friendship with shawn and cynthia
2. growth within existing friendships
3. dinner night with my girls
4. trip to seattle
5. embracing individualism and solitude and finding my happiness within
6. my first art show: visionary feminists.
7. remember
8. the joy of cooking
9. feeling comfortable in my own skin
10. roadtrip to grand canyon
11. game nights
12. the abundance of beautiful people who have entered and remain in my life.
13. orange county roadtrip
14. the joy of spontaneity
15. feeling the most loved i have ever been in my life.
16. san francisco pride
17. thanksgiving in fresno
18. realizing my love for dancing.
19. being single

happy new year

2009.. you shook it up.
2010.. you should me myself...
2011.. show me the world